In an emotional press conference earlier this afternoon, Tom Brady claimed he will do “absolutely anything” to maintain his starting position as quarterback after Patriots acquired mediocre football player Tim Tebow.
“I just want to go ahead and apologize to Patriots fans in advance for what’s going to happen this year,” Brady said, “because if you’re wanting to win the Super Bowl this year, you might as well not watch, because that’s not going to happen. I’m going to do absolutely anything I can to ensure I maintain my starting position and to make sure that Tebow never leaves the bench. If that means doing idiotic plays and disregarding Coach Belichick’s strategies in order to boost my own numbers, I’m going to do it. Even if that’s at the expense of the team – I will not, repeat, will not allow Tim Tebow to take the field as a Patriot.”
Brady’s comments came in the wake of the announcement that the Patriots had acquired Tim Tebow, a football player who somehow won a Heisman once. Analysts speculated that Brady’s concern had arisen after the starting quarterbacks at both of Tebow’s previous teams – the Denver Broncos and the New York Jets – lost their starting positions after Tebow joined the team.
“I get where Brady is coming from,” said the Patriot’s designated alcoholic/tight-end Rob Gronkowski, “because Tebow does seem to be a bit of a black widow. But at the end of the day, let’s keep in mind who he knocked off here. I mean, one of these guys was Kyle Orton and the Chiefs picked him up right away. Let’s be honest: if the Chiefs even know you exist, then you’re probably a dogshit player.”
“The other guy who lost his starting position was Mark Sanchez,” continued Gronkowski, “and Sanchez is about as talented as his own life-sized Fathead. He can’t run, he can’t throw and he strikes me as an asshole – I’m not sure why he was ever a starter in the first place, quite frankly.”
Brady said that “the tone” of Gronkowski’s comments was not what he would have used personally, but conceded that Sanchez is one of the worst people of all time.
“Look, I’m not worried about anybody being a better quarterback than me,” Brady explained, “because at the end of the day, I’m Tom Brady. However, with us acquiring Tebow, it means that ESPN will talk about absolutely nothing except me and Tim Tebow. They might talk about Adrian Peterson for like a week if he gets his arm ripped off and spontaneously grows a new one on the field and keeps playing, but otherwise it’s going to be me and Tebow. They’d have to be able to read in order to talk about something else and we all know ESPN analysts can’t do that.”
When one reporter asked whether or not the Jets should have released Tebow in the first place, Brady surprised reporters with a strange analogy.
[Warning: Some Game of Thrones spoilers ahead.]
“George R.R. Martin, the author of Game of Thrones, said once that he saw the Jets as the Starks and the Patriots as the Lannisters,” Brady said, “so that means Tebow left the Starks to help the Lannisters – you know who else has done that? Walder Frey. No one likes that guy.”
Just when reporters thought the comparison might be ending, Brady continued.
“I mean, come on, the NFL is pretty clearly Game of Thrones in the real-world,” Brady explained, “You’ve got us as the Lannisters – if you don’t think Bill Belichick acts like Tywin Lannister, then you’ve never read the books – and then you’ve got the Mannings as the Baratheons – there’s an older brother who should be king and younger jerk-off brother who thinks because he talks nice and smiles nice, he should be king, despite not really having much talent.”
“Finally, I mean, Mark Sanchez is pretty clearly Balon Greyjoy. He declares himself king, but no one cares and he’s only in like one scene,” Brady concluded.
In response to a reporter who asked if Brady considered himself King Joffrey in this metaphor, Brady replied, “Well, Joffrey gets married to a super hot chick and has all the women he wants, while Walder Frey has to get married to a mediocre looking girl just to get laid. Sounds an awful lot like me and Tebow.”
Since the name “Tebow” was mentioned, every reporter in the audience asked a bunch of stupid questions about what Brady thought about Tebow’s religious views and whether or not he was concerned that Tebow might try to convert him.
“Not at all,” Brady answered, “the fact of the matter is, this is Boston. Ethics don’t exist here and they never have – we’re awful, awful people. I get to bang a Victoria’s Secret model every night and Tebow is a virgin – the fact of the matter is, Tebow is in way over his head here.”
When asked his thoughts, Tebow simply said, “Look, I respect Brady a lot as a player and I look forward to working with him.”
Brady then got visibly angry and called the press conference to a close, saying “Tebow, you working with me is something that should never happen. You’re nowhere near my level. It’s like that movie Lincoln – yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis and Sally Field shared the screen once in a while, but no one was happy about that. Most people forget she was in that movie, which is what should have happened to you in the NFL years ago.”
“Ultimately, here’s what I’m mad about,” Brady concluded, “you should be in Jacksonville and I’m not sure why you’ve been to three teams that aren’t Jacksonville. No one goes to Jacksonville games because they suck, which is perfect for you.”